There will be a lot of obstacles.Not because of our background nor of anything. But because of what we have, that is true love. Sadly nothing is perfect. In order to survive, we must stick together and hold each other's hands. You may not see it now for it is still so far to go. But trust me, we will see the day if we are strong. Change is a must. I seriously wish u cud read my blog but unfortunately you didnt, and you will never know my feelings. But I pray u may love me and see me as the one who will be with you for the rest of ur life.
Give it a thought & you may make good changes between us.
I have already planned to write about this issue even before I started to discuss about it. I have even thought about some serious considerations before I decided to have this discussion. Unfortunately I even know that this discussion would end up badly because from the start I know where we were heading to and what the outcome was. You thought of fears, values and precedents while I am more concerned about responsibility, precaution and commitment. But at the end of the day, I truly believe that it is also about trust and faith in each other. Sadly, from the discussion we had, it has proven us that this is what we are lacking in though we kept denying it from ourselves that this is not the case. I seriously believe that one’s faith and trust are demonstrated when one is faced with major difficulties and obstacles. If you seriously have trust and faith in that particular person, you would not have rely solely on your own judgment even though it seemed ‘right’ to follow your own feeling to make a decision. Another situation is like when things are going very well and everything is going in your own accord, but if the person that you said you ‘’trusted and have faith in’ told you that you have been deceived by the good situation and you should do such and such. Will you listen? The determination of whether you truly have faith and trust in that person depends on whether you will take his advice and rely on him with all your heart.
I would like to put myself in your position and feel what is in your heart. Not just trying to understand but to feel the fear you have deep inside your heart. I want to take away that fear in your heart and turn it into something beautiful and memorable. The only question is, do you trust me enough to let me act in your life? The first step is always having faith and trust. The second is giving it a try. Putting a good fight without giving up is a must in this situation. It is not easy when your mind has been set from young age to have such a perception which leads to insecurity and distrust. It is not wrong to be like this. But problem arises when there is lack of what is essential to the relationship, and that is trust. Your decision must come from the heart and cannot be forced. It must be your own will and desire. Sadly to say, fear disallows you to see things clearly and prevents you from loving with all your heart sincerely. Fear closes your heart and refuses the light from shining into it. The only thing you are doing right now is hurting me and this relationship without even realizing it (well it is forgivable if you are not aware of it before this).
It is so sad to know that you value yourself with such measure. Yes, I have to agree that it has such a great value and it is precious. But if you are saying it like it is something that can be traded or it is something like a possession, then I guess it is something very wrong. You may disagree with what I have written on this paragraph so far. But do not make an early conclusion as you usually do. Let me explain to you more. When a person loses ‘it’, they are labeled ‘cheap and loose.’ But I do believe people will only get this sort of reputation if they sleep around with different people. You value your own confidence by such a measure. It is indeed unreasonable and disappointing. Why can’t you see a woman’s worth and confidence differently? You should build your confidence and value yourself by your own personality and brain. You have someone who is committed to you and is seriously in love with you. Shouldn’t that be a boast to your confidence and worth? What more, you are experiencing with the person who wanted to spend the rest of your life with? Unless you say I am not the one you intended to be with until the end of your life, then I guess I have to rest my case. If you seriously mean what you have been saying that I am the one, then it shouldn’t be any problem anymore. Basically you are not losing ‘it’ but you are sharing ‘it’ with the person you love and that you wanted to be with him in this entire life. What other people thinks about you doesn’t really matter. In fact you are not going to discuss it openly with your friends or people that you know. The only people ‘it’ should matter to are your loved one and you. With respect, love & commitment between lovers, no one can labeled you as ‘cheap & loose’ but the moment & bond you share with your loved one are priceless & precious which no one can take away from both of us.
I once told you that we do not have to put restrictions on our activities but we can impose conditions. Well I guess if we were to let it happen and do it, I guess there are many conditions we have to impose and one of your main concerns is frequency. I understand your worry. You might think we are going to jump on it every day or with every chance available to us. But let me assure you, that if everything is going well, I would like to suggest every month once. I think it is very appropriate and considerate with this suggestion made. But of course, it will not be like a routine. Even though we are committed to each other, should I say we will not be committed to have it every once a month, instead it is advisable we have it willingly. After all, it is all about us. Not just about me or you alone. I beg of you to let me reward you for having the willingness to trust in me by honoring the assurances that I have made to you.
I guess from the beginning you don’t even understand who you are and what you are feeling. In fact no one understands who you truly are. What they see of you from the outside doesn’t really reflect of what you are deep inside your heart. People who thought they know you have been deceived by what they see in you externally. But being with you, I have the opportunity to sink into your soul and see the beauty as well as the monster in your heart. I have the privilege to witness the true reflection of you. I am sad because the decision you made earlier has somehow weakened the bond we are sharing. More, you have put aside this issue and placed it somewhere else. It is like an injured man has been abandoned at the road side bleeding and waiting to die. If it continues this way, it is just a matter of time when this bond will break and fade away. The truth is there is no firm faith and strong trust in each other. The question you need to ask yourself is whether you are staying with me is because of true love which has its own precise definition or because you refused to get out of your own comfort zone which you have been placed a year ago. We have somehow done it before in the past with some restrictions applied. I understand we did not want to rush by then. We wanted to build the confidence and commitment for each other. But when it is the time to take this relationship to the next level. You refused. Does that consider as an indication of lack of trust and faith? Maybe you have not loved me enough to give me completely of you. I will not force you. Even if I managed to convince you to do it, I do not want you to cry each time you see me. I do not want to be your sadness and nightmare. All I wanted to become is someone you can love, rely on and give yourself completely to. I want you to see me as your joy and happiness. But you care too much about other people perception towards you until you have neglected and hurt the person that really matters. You even rejected the invitation of staying over even though I have giving you my assurance. Oh! How weak is your faith! How good if you can realize how beautiful our love is and all the privileges we have been blessed with? I see it as an expression of love and in fact I feel love each time we make out, but you see it as dirty and impure. I am your loved one and your steady, the person who is committed to you and the one you intended to be with for the entire of your life. Saying that making out with me is dirty and will impure your body is an insult to me. Have I slept around and prostituted my body with other women? Nope. But it seemed you are like trying to say that my body would dirty you as if I have already dirtied myself by sleeping with other women.
I am not writing this to change your mind or to threaten you to follow my way. Since we have discussed about it and have made a decision, I have no intention to go through a second round of torture and stressful discussion. But I need you to know what is in my mind and how I feel about the whole situation. My objective is to make you feel, not just want you to understand. I can make you bow down to my demand by pressure by using words and explanations, but it will defeat the purpose of me writing this, because at the end of the day, what I am longing from you is what comes from the heart, not from the mind alone. It is with love, trust and faith that will open up your heart and allows you to give yourself completely. Honestly, deep inside my heart, I seriously wish you would pick up your phone and tell me that you feel me & you agree with me. But I am not putting any high hopes as I do not wish to be let down again. Whatever our relationship will be in the future, I do not dare to make any conclusions. But you will know how it will end eventually if there are no trust and faith between us. However, whatever we want it to be, it is within our own will and power with God’s mercy. Today let me re-assure you, even if you still refused to trust and have faith in me, I’ll still be with you until everything fails. I’ll still love you without reserving myself. Yes it hurts, this is what love is all about, isn’t it? When you love till it hurts, it is true love indeed. I am happy each time I feel the pain, because I know I have succeeded in loving you more. I’ll take it as an achievement & blessing. God bless us.
R.I.P to the snail who got killed last Sunday. You will have my prayer and may God keep you with Him. For the sake of His sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on this snail. Amen!
Name: David Yuen Home: Kuala Lumpur, Cheras, Malaysia About Me: I am an ACCA student and a Toastmaster member in Sunway University College. See my complete profile
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